Double check your grass

So last week I was awaken by a phone call from a private number. On normal circumstances I ignore such calls. But it wasn't even 6 am yet and I can't really function in the morning. My brain processed, "possible emergency, answer call." So I say hello and this voice says to me "You really hate me that much to not talk to me?" So of course I'm trying place this voice, because only someone of importance with highly important life or death news would call me before 6 am. I hate mornings, and I definitely hate being awaken out of my sleep before my alarm even goes off for work. It's the worst. So for this stranger to call me out of the blue at the crack of dawn and not even state their business with me pissed me off automatically. Back to the story, so I ask "who is this?" They say, "I've been trying to get in contact with you for years, do you hate me that much?"

So it finally clicks in my head who I'm talking to. It was my ex, and I told him I didn't hate him, I just never want to talk to him again. So we end the phone call, then I get bombarded with long text messages about his feelings, and honestly I felt ambushed. It took me out of my element, out of my self and I had to throw the phone down retreat to the bathroom. All the emotions that I thought I had snuffed out and suppressed deep down in my subconscious quickly resurfaced faster than I was ready for.The next thing I know I'm crying on the toilet. After 10 minutes of getting myself together and working up my courage I skim these books he's sent me. I briefly explain my situation. My relationship status and apologize for vanishing the way I did. He apologized again for everything and bothering me and that was that. 

Now, what I will say is that this interaction with him has messed with my head a bit. Part of it is mixed feelings I still have about him and all our past history. He was my first love and breaking it off almost broke me. We weren't good for each other at that point in time in our lives. I'm not going write to you all and drag my ex and tell all my business. It's not that type of party. What I am going to say is that you never really know what you had until it's gone. He learned that the hard way unfortunately. 

I did however catch myself in a vortex of "what if, and maybe he's change, should we try again one day?" Like I'm not already in love with someone else who adores me and makes me smile and treats me like the queen I am. For some reason my mind kept drifting to the past. All the good memories would surface and I'd find myself day dreaming about the wrong man. The stupid was sliding in slow and stealthy and I almost didn't catch it. It didn't help that my boyfriend lives on the other side of the country. If you've never had a long distance relationship, it's hard. Really hard. So to have this familiar person step back on to my radar, as brief as it was, made me realize how lonely I've been. I made the mistake of not deleting the text thread between my ex and I and like anyone who likes their ego stroked I kept rereading them.

"Yes you should be sorry, and I'm glad you miss me.
We could have been great but you effed it up"

So after playing the first half of Beyonce's Lemonade 6 times, I was feeling untouchable. Again, the stupid was creeping into my thoughts, taking me places I had no business being in and almost entertaining the thought of giving him, my ex, another go. Trying to work out logistics on to possibly make it work where there would be no consequences. With that being said, I strongly believe my boyfriend has a 6th sense when it comes to me needing emotional stimulation. I really don't know how he knows but he just does. He knows what I need before I have to tell him, even before I know I need it. When he's here he's so in tune with me it's scary. So to give that up for someone who has already hurt me once is idiotic. I can not see my life without this man who gets me and makes me feel special all the time. Who makes sure I'm getting enough sleep, keeps me on top of my projects, makes sure we're good when I only answer in one word answers. I didn't have that with my ex. I never got stability with him. What we had was passionate chaos.

To wrap this up, you can't go forward by going back. Always double check what your grass is doing before comparing it to someone else's. The grass isn't always greener.

Didd1y

P.S.
I'm going on vacation this week so the next post won't be until next Tuesday, you can follow me on instagram @thedidd1y for pics of the trip if you want. And I will catch you guys next week.











Should you ever find yourself here,

I want you to know I don't hate you. I want you to be better, better for yourself and for the people you love. Treat the next girl better then a queen, show her the side of you I didn't get a chance to see enough off. Love her like you should have loved me.